Movie Review: Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D

Spy Kids and their damned fool robot dog

Robert Rodriguez may have all the time in the world to produce crappy movies for his kid’s entertainment… but I want my hour and a half back!  He seems to vacillate between directing great violence-fests for adults (Planet Terror, Machete, El Mariachi, etc.) and placating his children’s imaginations with extreme mixed results (Spy Kids 1 through 4 and Sharkboy and Lavagirl).  This movie is firmly in the miss pile of hits and misses.

The first order of business is getting the question of 4D out of the way… the movie is in 3D with the added bonus (?) of Aroma-scope… which is nothing but a scratch and sniff card, that fortunately for me, was faulty and I smelled nothing on my card.  Based on the odor in the theater at each scratching (I think there were 8), others were not defective and the theater did in fact smell of either:  bacon, dirty diaper, fart or blue cheese.  Which really sums up the majority of the plot… farts.

I had seen the third Spy Kids movie before… and was honestly not that put off by it.  It’s not great… but it is entertaining.  After seeing this travesty, which my kids did enjoy immensely, they went home and immediately watched the original Spy Kids on Netflix streaming.  I caught occasional glances at the movie as I was coming out of a crap induced state of mental fatigue and realized… Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D is a lesser version of the original.  It seems that 10 years is just enough time for a new generation of kids to be seduced by the idea that adults are bumbling idiots who need the help of 11 year olds, and just enough time for Rodriguez to effectively run out of anything clever to say.

Like the previous films, this story has a family message… and not being one for subtlety, Rodriguez hammers his point home at every turn… make time for your family… because if you don’t, your children will try to destroy the universe in order to go back in time to hang out with dear old dad, only to find out in the end that you really can’t go back in time and change anything.  It’s a nice message… and it was delivered in the form of a flatulent robotic dog voiced by Ricky Gervais and a hammy Jeremy Piven.

Performances?  This is obviously a paycheck movie… and I couldn’t feel anything other than shame for the principal actors here… Jessica Alba, Joel McHale, Piven and Gervais seem to be doing nothing more than phoning it in… and in the case of Gervais, I swear is sounded like he was Skype-ing (sp?) his role.  The kids were alright… even the returning kids from the original, now in their early 20’s were decent enough.

If you like fart jokes, watching a pregnant Jessica Alba (not actually pregnant in this) kicking some bad guy ass as her water breaks, more fart jokes, talking robotic dogs that shoot metal balls from their rear quarters, even more fart jokes and great lines such as “Oh shittttttt-take mushrooms”, then this may be the movie for you.  If, like me, you would rather mow your lawn or plumb a toilet than sit through such an abysmal movie, I would have to say you should probably pass on this one.

That’s all I can say about Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4-f’ing-D.

Like all movies, this would have been greatly enhanced by Rose McGowan with a machine gun leg or Michelle Rodriguez in tight leather pants and an eye patch… just saying…
Cornelius J. Blahg

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